life

So these past six months have been pretty crazy for me, In April I lost my mom to cancer, and its been pretty hard getting though this. I went back home to Colorado, to be with her in her last moments, I got two weeks with her before the good lord took her home. I'm glad that she is in no more pain, but i would give anything to have her back. I don't really recall much of what happen in the next few months after she passed. It's like walking though a fog for awhile, I went back to work i think a week after my mom passed, but i am not that sure, i just remember thinking to myself i have to get out of this house, and even when you go back to your life, you don't really take in your surroundings you are just doing what you used to do and trying to fool your self that everything is OK. It took me a good month and a half to really take in that my mom was gone. I was at work one day and hit me like a ton of bricks, the radio played a song my mom loved and hit me that my mom will never sing this song again, I will never be able to call my mom again when i needed advice on something i didn't know how to get though. The fog had disappeared and I soon found myself surrounded an a world I didn't know, coming to terms that you will never see someone you love again is hard to take in. Even after 5 months I still cant take it all in, there are still times i think man i should call mom, then I think to myself "oh yeah i cant". And you keep hearing people saying to you even though you cant see her she is here, all around you, that can get quite old, yeah i'm sure she is watching over me, but its never the same as feeling her touch, and hearing her voice on this earth. Its just so hard some days to keep moving forward, when all you want to do is move backwards in time to where you felt happy, full of life, and you could still hear the laugh of the one you loved. I would even go back to the time where my mom was in her last moments of life just so I could be with her, feel her, to see her chest move up and down. Seeing someone take their last breath is scary, when you hear it you know its their last, as soon i heard it, i knew it was over, all the hope that i kept that my mom was some how going to make it though fell apart when i heard that gasp for air, all I could do was run, and scream no. No words could describe the pain i felt in that moment, everything you once knew comes crashing down on you, and you are left with a numbing feeling. I didn't even really cry I was in such shock that my mom was gone forever, that I didn't feel anything, it wasn't until i went into her closet to get clothes for her that i realized that my mom will never wear these clothes again and at that moment I completely broke down. I don't really remember the next few days, just that seeing the mother that help me though the darkest of days was now lying in a casket, something you don't ever want to see, you just keep thinking she is only sleeping its the no moment in her lifeless body that brings you back to reality. While sitting with her body i would put my hand on her chest and try to will her chest to move, i kept thinking move damn it move! Breath please breath, this cant be real it just cant. But it is and you have to learn how to live your life all over again, all the easy things in life become hard, and the hard become harder. The trick is to keep moving even when you don't want too, to keep pushing forward, to live for your self and for her, to do all the things that remind you of her, so that you can feel closer to her, talk to her even though she cant answer back, talk about her as much as you can, write about everything you can remember of her so they will never be forgotten, try to live this life to my fullest because it would be what she would want. well that took a lot more energy to write the i though would, but thank you for reading, and remember to love the ones close to you, because before you know they could be gone, or you your self could be gone, this is our life and you only have it once to make it the best, love is what makes it easy, so don't let go of it even when your heart feels like it been broken into a million pieces because its love that will glue it back together.